


something to hold onto

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Male Character, Trans!Sonny, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26519152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: “Nice moustache,” Tutuola says and Sonny almost smiles except that spending near-on the last decade with Rafael has taught him a lot about sarcasm and when people’s compliments are insincere.He shrinks in on himself when Rollins sniggers and mutters something about a dead rat. Maybe he and Rafael were wrong and Manhattan is exactly like the other SVUs he’s worked at.for the prompt: a trans sonny fic where he is SO proud of himself for growing a moustache but then ppl end up making fun of him for it
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 131





	something to hold onto

**Author's Note:**

  * For [phcbosz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/phcbosz/gifts).



> for mav, who could never be replaced
> 
> TWs: implied/referenced transphobia, self-esteem issues, appearance issues
> 
> fic title from the snow patrol song 'you're all i have'

“Baby, you know I love you, but do you really have to wear that shirt?”

Sonny looks down at his shirt as he buttons it. “What’s wrong with it? My mom got me this shirt.”

Rafael sighs and knots his own tie. “I know, I can tell.”

“Shut up, Rafi. We can’t all wear 4000$ suits.”

“But wouldn’t the world be a better place, if everyone did?” Rafael asks with a smirk that Sonny kisses off his face. “Why are you even going in? I thought you don’t start until tomorrow.”

Rafael smooths his hands down Sonny’s shoulders as he shrugs.

“I don’t,” Sonny says. “But I heard on the scanner that there were shots fired so I thought I’d go in early – and maybe bring some food, that’s a good first day thing, isn’t it?”

“You’re too good for this world, soleado. Go to that bakery where you get the cannoli I like – I know Rollins has a sweet tooth.”

Sonny kisses his husband again, laughing when Rafael reaches out to stroke over his moustache.

“Still not a fan?” Sonny teases and Rafael shakes his head.

“You know I dislike anything that covers your pretty face, but I very much enjoy how happy it makes you,” he says and Sonny can’t help the smile that spreads across his face.

He tugs fondly on Rafael’s suspenders and then goes to make him some coffee before he heads out.

-

As he enters the precinct, he tries to keep Rafael’s parting words in mind: “Benson is firm but fair, just be friendly, do your job and they’ll love you only slightly less than I do.”

The rest of the squad is out and he’s grateful for his dark jacket as he waits, because by the time two women that he recognises from Rafael’s prep as Sergeant Benson and Detective Rollins walk in, he’s fairly sure he’s sweated through his shirt.

As first impressions go, he’s sure it’s not his best. He’s too nervous and talks too much. Neither Benson nor Rollins take the zeppoli he offers and the way Benson’s lip curls when she says that she requested an experienced, empathetic detective makes his stomach twist unpleasantly.

He tries to take a steadying breath before he goes into the interrogation, trying to remind himself that this isn’t Queens, or even Brooklyn - and certainly not Staten Island. No one here except Benson knows he’s trans, and Rafael has assured him that if they did, they wouldn’t think less of him for it.

He doesn’t think the interrogation goes too badly, but Benson reams him out anyway for making promises he can’t keep. He knows Rafael would probably agree with her so he nods and takes it, even though he still thinks his tougher approach was the best way to go.

-

Being around Detective Tutuola puts him on edge. He side-eyes Sonny when he’s talking to the sergeant and it’s like he knows, knows the way the Staten Island cops knew. Sonny strokes his moustache self-consciously as they’re introduced and then offers Tutuola the bag of zeppoli which is declined.

“Nice moustache,” Tutuola says and Sonny almost smiles except that spending near-on the last decade with Rafael has taught him a lot about sarcasm and when people’s compliments are insincere.

He shrinks in on himself when Rollins sniggers and mutters something about a dead rat. Maybe he and Rafael were wrong and Manhattan is exactly like the other SVUs he’s worked at.

“Who do we call for a warrant?” he asks, almost desperate to be sent over to the DA’s office and see his husband – or even Carmen who’s always been nice to him.

Except that Benson shuts that down and decides to send Amaro undercover. Sonny sighs and prepares himself for a long, miserable day.

-

In fact, it makes for more than one miserable day. What with the late night bust on Little Tino’s house, chasing leads, and Benson going to Rykers with Rafael, Sonny doesn’t get to see his husband until two days after he starts at Manhattan SVU and even then it’s only as they both rush to get ready for their days.

Still, Rafael knows Sonny better than anyone and he can tell something’s up. When Sonny is in the bathroom, staring at his face in the mirror, Rafael walks in with his second cup of coffee and a frown.

“What’s wrong, mi amor?” he asks, glancing at the razor in Sonny’s hand. “Are you thinking of shaving?”

Sonny shrugs and Rafael reaches out to uncurl his fingers from around the razor. Sonny drops it into the sink and lets himself be pulled into a hug. He relaxes a little when Rafael tangles his fingers in Sonny’s hair, combing through the long strands on the back of his neck.

“Sonny, tell me what’s wrong,” Rafael urges. “I can tell you’re upset.”

Sonny curls his hands into the back of Rafael’s waistcoat, stroking the smooth material.

“I just… Manhattan SVU isn’t as easy as we thought it would be, but I don’t know if I can go through another transfer – you should have seen the way Benson looked at me when I told her I’d already been in three different boroughs,” he says into Rafael’s shoulder.

A kiss is pressed to his head and Rafael sighs. “I’m sorry, baby. Is there anything I can do?”

Sonny sniffs, resolutely refusing to cry. “It’s supposed to get better, you know? All we’ve been through, and… and I can grow a moustache now, a proper one. I can pass Rafi and still people can see that something is off.”

“No, stop,” Rafael says, pulling away so he can take Sonny’s face in both hands. “There is nothing off or wrong with you. You’re my husband, who’s an amazing detective and is going to be an even better lawyer once you pass the bar – which you will. You’re the best man I know, Sonny, and if this doesn’t work out, we’ll find a place for you, I know we will.”

He pauses when Sonny gives him a watery smile, stroking both thumbs along his cheeks.

“Sonny, you’re flawless, impeccable, handsome, magnificent, wondrous, and every other adjective in the dictionary and I have been in love with you since you spilled coffee down my shirt ten minutes before an arraignment.”

Sonny laughs, letting Rafael kiss both his cheeks and then his forehead. “Really? Since I spilled coffee on you? I thought you were gonna get me kicked off the force for that.”

Rafael wrinkles his nose. “Well, maybe since you paid for my dry-cleaning and baked me a whole lasagne to apologise.”

“My nonna always said the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach,” Sonny says with a grin.

“She also said she was going to castrate me if I hurt you,” Rafael says dryly and this time Sonny laughs out loud

He squeezes Rafael’s waist fondly. “I still maintain that she only said that because you underestimated her and assumed she was a doddery old lady.”

Rafael scowls and Sonny laughs again, leaning in to kiss him.

“Hey,” Rafael says when he tries to pull away. “Are you going to be okay?”

Sonny nods. “Yeah, yeah I’ll… I’ll see how today goes.”

“Good. Now, are you going to tell me why you were going to shave your moustache?”

“Oh,” Sonny says, face falling. “It’s stupid… Rollins and Tutuola were just busting my balls about it.”

Rafael pulls a face that Sonny usually only sees when his husband has spent time with John Buchanan. “Fin is the last person to judge people’s facial hair – and I’ve seen what Rollins wears to court, the woman has no taste. I like the moustache, you’re proud of it, so keep it until _you_ don’t like it anymore!”

“You like it?” Sonny asks shyly.

“Of course I do, soleado. Now come on, I’ve a meeting with Buchanan in forty-five minutes and three cups of coffee to drink before then - and you need to eat something before you go to work,” Rafael says, swatting at Sonny’s ass.

“Okay, okay,” Sonny says, letting Rafael herd him out of the bathroom with his moustache still intact.

-

He sees Rafael again later that day, when they’re briefing him on all the witnesses that the traffickers had killed or injured. He smiles proudly when he makes the Quickride connection and Rafael shoots him a wink that after six years of marriage still somehow sends butterflies swirling around his stomach.

“Nice catch, Carisi,” Rafael says, lips twitching into a smile. “And nice moustache too.”

Unlike when Fin said it, Sonny knows Rafael isn’t teasing him and he allows himself to smirk back at him.

“Yeah, you like a man with facial hair, counsellor?” he asks and hears Rollins choke on her coffee.

Rafael very deliberately gives him a once over and then nods. “I do,” he practically purrs and Sonny colours, rolling his eyes.

“Alright,” he mumbles, embarrassed.

“Yeah, Barba, aren’t ADAs taught about sexual harassment in the workplace?” Fin asks and Rafael sighs, but doesn’t wipe the smirk off his face.

Sonny grins when his husband turns and shoots Fin a look usually reserved for judges that don’t rule in his favour. “Well, given that we’re married, I’m sure Sonny can find it in his heart to not file a complaint against me.”

“Eh,” Sonny says, making a non-committal gesture. “Depends on whether you come shopping with me and my sister this weekend.”

“Oh please, you know you’re the one Gina doesn’t want to come, she loves shopping with me,” Rafael says dismissively. “Now, go talk to those Quickride people, I’ll see you at home, soleado.”

He breezes out of the squad room, squeezing Sonny’s hand in passing, leaving a stunned silence behind him.

“So,” Benson says when Sonny turns back to the rest of the squad, his smile sliding off his face. “You and Rafael… are married?”

Sonny nods and Rollins frowns. “How long?”

“Uh… married? Six years, but we’ve been together for nine and a half,” Sonny says, looking down at his feet. “Dodds and McCoy know though, Rafi won’t prosecute any cases I’m lead on… not that I uh, expect to be lead on any cases,” he trails off when he looks up and Benson frowns at him. “Don’t worry I know the drill, Staten Island SVU and Brooklyn and… uh, Queens too, I guess - they made it pretty clear that someone like me doesn’t get lead.”

Benson’s frown deepens. “Someone like you?” she repeats.

Sonny shuffles his feet nervously and glances between Fin, Rollins, and Benson. “Yeah uh… it was in my file? Or uh, I think Dodds was gonna talk to you?”

“Carisi, what are you talking about?” Benson asks, confusion painted across her face in broad strokes.

“It’s in my file,” he insists, remembering what Rafael and his union rep had both drilled into him – that the complaints filed by him against the other cops and his gender identity are only the business of his commanding officer. “We should go, right? Quickride?” he asks when no one says anything.

Thankfully, Benson just nods and gestures for him to go ahead. She drives to the company headquarters, which leaves him free to text Rafael. His husband responds quickly, promising to get Rita to sue the entirety of the NYPD if Sonny wants. It makes him smile at least, even if it doesn’t rid him of the sick feeling in his stomach.

“Is that Rafael?” Benson asks, making him look up.

He swallows. “Uh, yeah.”

She smiles. “You know, I wouldn’t have taken him for the type to get married, but seeing you two together… it makes sense.”

“It does?” he asks and she nods.

“Sure, Rafael needs someone to balance him out, he’s a little….”

“All work and no play?” Sonny finishes for her and she laughs. “Yeah, believe it or not, he used to be worse.”

“I can believe that actually,” Benson says, taking a moment before she speaks again. “Carisi, about earlier –“

Sonny interrupts her. “Oh it’s okay, I know it’s a difficult situation for you. But I only filed those complaints against the other cops because Rafi made me. He said it was enough for them to be criminally charged with a hate crime – but don’t worry I didn’t press charges.”

Benson gapes. “I… I have to be honest, what I was going to say was that I hadn’t had a chance to look over your file yet.”

“Oh,” Sonny says. “You, uh, maybe you should read it, before we continue this conversation.”

“I think so too,” she agrees as they pull up.

-

Sonny is finishing off his paperwork when Benson calls him into her office. He’s aware of Rollins and Fin’s eyes on him, but he’s surprised to see Rafael when he walks into the office.

“Hey,” he says, taking a seat next to his husband. “I didn’t see you come in.”

Rafael smiles fondly. “You were busy.”

“I thought it would be best for you, if Rafael were here,” Benson says and Sonny’s stomach twists.

“With all due respect sergeant, if you’re going to transfer me to the Bronx, you didn’t need to get my husband in to witness it,” he says stiffly.

“She’s not transferring you, soleado,” Rafael says, reaching out to unhook Sonny’s hands from where they’re clutching at the edge of his seat.

Benson nods. “I’m not. But I have read your file now and, after speaking to Rafael, I just wanted to assure you that Manhattan SVU is going to do everything possible to make you feel comfortable working here.”

“Oh,” Sonny says, a tentative smile curling his lips. “Thank you.”

“And, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Staten Island,” she says sincerely.

Rafael purses his lips. “Aren’t we all.”

“Rafi,” Sonny reprimands him quietly and Rafael squeezes his hand.

“If that’s all, Liv?” Rafael asks, getting to his feet and buttoning his jacket one handed, so he can keep hold of Sonny’s with the other.

“It is,” she says with a nod. “And Carisi, I want you to know that you can come to me, if anyone says or does anything inappropriate.”

“Thank you, sarge,” Sonny replies, his smile more genuine now.

Benson smiles back kindly. “By the way, I don’t think Rollins and Fin know – I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t read the file… and I like the moustache, very Magnum.”

Sonny blushes and Rafael laughs. “Good night, Liv,” he says, guiding Sonny out of the office.

-

He almost falls asleep on the sofa that night, head pillowed on Rafael’s stomach. When Sonny yawns for the fourth time in a row, Rafael pauses Netflix.

“Hey, baby,” he says quietly. “Time for bed.”

Sonny yawns in answer and Rafael laughs.

“Wake me early tomorrow?” Sonny asks.

“Sure,” Rafael promises. “Why?”

Sonny pulls a face. “I want to have time to shave.”

Rafael presses a thumb between Sonny’s eyebrows, caressing the skin there softly. “I thought you were gonna keep it for a while.”

“I was, but… I’ve had it the whole time I’ve been an SVU detective, maybe changing to Manhattan, means this should change too,” Sonny says softly. “Besides, I can always grow it back.”

“You can,” Rafael agrees, his hand moving down Sonny’s face to stroke over the hair on his top lip. “You know, I think I’m going to miss it.”

Sonny grins. “Maybe next time I’ll grow a full beard.”

Rafael leans down to kiss him. “Whatever makes you happy, sunshine.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is all pretty ooc and idk if i really did the prompt justice, but i hope you liked this. lmk if you think there's anything I need to change/tag
> 
> i would really appreciate comments or kudos and you can always come scream at me on tumblr ([@hefellfordean<) if you like](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com)


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